Did you hear about the bandit that held up a Chinese restaurant? .......... Half an hour later he was broke. . Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder? .......... He got a little behind in his work. . Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? .......... He was buttering up his teacher. . Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? .......... They fight tooth and nail! . Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? .......... He doesn't believe in dogs. . Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi? .......... He was walking around everywhere saying, Yo! . Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? .......... He sold his soul to Santa. . Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? .......... He decided to stick it out for one more year! . Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? .......... He's all right now. . Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? .......... He strained himself. . Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? .......... He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. . Did you hear about the new restaurant that opened in India? .......... It's a New Delhicatessen. . Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? .......... She had her baby in the spring. . Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? .......... The survivors were marooned. . Did you hear about the two men who walked into a bar? .......... The third one ducked. . Did you hear about the two silkworms that had a race? .......... It ended up in a tie. . Have you seen Quasimodo? .......... I have a hunch he's back! . How can you recognize a burned-put hippie? .......... He used to take acid, now he takes antacid. . How can you tell if a planet is married? .......... It has a ring around it. . How do crazy people go through the forest? .......... They take the psycho path. . How do they put out fires at the post office? .......... They stamp them out. . How do you circumcise a whale? .......... Send down fore-skin divers. . How do you clean ice off tall buildings? .......... With sky scrapers. . How do you get a frog off the back window of your car? .......... Use the rear defrogger. . How do you get holy water? .......... Boil the hell out of it. . How do you keep a bagel from getting away? .......... Put lox on it! . How do you revive a drowning rodent? .......... Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. . How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? .......... She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment. . How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? .......... From a catalog. . How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? .......... Are you kidding? That's a hardware problem! . How many letters are in the alphabet? .......... Nineteen. Because ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him. . How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? .......... None. We'll just declare darkness the new standard. . How you get down from an elephant? .......... You don't, you get down from ducks. . How would you clean a tuba? .......... Try a tuba toothpaste. . If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? .......... Pilgrims. . What city has the largest rodent population? .......... Hamsterdam. . What day does a fish hate? .......... Fry day. . What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates? .......... Well done. . What did one cloned sheep say to the other? .......... I am ewe. . What did one hot dog say to another? .......... Hi, Frank! . What did one ocean say to the other ocean? .......... Nothing, they just waved. . What did one rabbit say to the other rabbit? .......... Nothing. Rabbits can't talk. . What did one wall say to the other wall? .......... Meet you at the corner. . What did the big chimney say to the small chimney? .......... You're too young to be smoking. . What did the cannibal do when he saw an All you can eat restaurant? .......... He had two waiters and a busboy. . What did the elephant say to the naked man? .......... How can you breathe through that? . What did the elephant say to the naked man? .......... It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? . What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? .......... Dam. . What did the robot have to do before she wore any earrings? .......... She had to get her gears pierced. . What did the painter say to the wall? .......... One more crack and I'll plaster you! . What did the worm say to the caterpillar? .......... What did you do to get that fur coat? . What do cats like on a hot day? .......... A mice cream cone. . What do cats like to eat for breakfast? .......... Mice Krispies. . What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? .......... Polaroids. . What do fish play on the piano? .......... Scales. . What do prisoners use to call each other? .......... Cell phones. . What do sea monsters eat for lunch? .......... Fish and ships. . What do snowmen eat for breakfast? .......... Snowflakes. . What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? .......... National Dyslexics Association. . What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? .......... A stick. . What do you call a bunch of dancing pebbles? .......... The Rockettes. . What do you call a cow with no legs? .......... Ground beef. . What do you call a crazy baker? .......... A dough nut. . What do you call a day that follows two days of rain? .......... Monday. . What do you call a dog with no legs? .......... It doesn't matter what you call him he ain't gonna come. . What do you call a drunk who works in an upholstery shop? .......... A recovering alcoholic. . What do you call a dumb balloon? .......... An air head. . What do you call a frightened scuba diver? .......... Chicken of the sea. . What do you call a monster with no neck? .......... The Lost Neck Monster. . What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? .......... A roaming Catholic. . What do you call a rabbit with fleas? .......... Bugs Bunny. . What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? .......... A hoarse doctor. . What do you call an artificial stone? .......... A shamrock. . What do you call bedtime stories for boats? .......... Ferry tales. . What do you call cheese that isn't yours? .......... Nacho cheese. . What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? .......... Quatro sinko. . What do you call it when worms take over the world? .......... Global Worming. . What do you call Santa's helpers? .......... Subordinate Clauses. . What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? .......... A receding hareline. . What do you get from a pampered cow? .......... Spoiled milk. . What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower? .......... Shredded tweet. . What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? .......... A dog that runs for help, after he bites your leg off. . What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? .......... Frostbite. . What do you get when you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo? .......... An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets. . What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? .......... A pachydermatologist. . What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? .......... Hot cross bunnies. . What do you get when you have a cow and a duck? .......... Milk and quackers. . What do you get when you play a country music song backward? .......... You get your wife back, you get your job back, you stop drinking .......... . What do you use to redecorate a baby's bathroom? .......... Infantile. . What does a dog get when it finishes obedience school? .......... A pet degree. . What does it mean when the flag's at half mast at the post office? .......... They're hiring. . What does the sun drink out of? .......... Sunglasses. . What goes klip klop, klip klop, klip klop, BANG!!? .......... An Amish drive-by shooting. . What goes moof? .......... A cow with buck teeth. . What goes Tick tock, woof woof? .......... A watch dog. . What goes black and white, black and white, black and white, boom? .......... A nun falling down the stairs. . What goes faster than a rabbit in a field? .......... A rabbit in a blender. . What happens to illegally parked frogs? .......... They get toad away. . What happens when a ghost haunts a theater? .......... The actors get stage fright. . What has four legs, is big, green, furry, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? .......... A pool table. . What has more lives than a cat? .......... A frog. It croaks every night. . What insect does well in school? .......... A spelling bee. . What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? .......... A celebrity roast. . What is a zebra? .......... 26 sizes larger than A bra. . What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? .......... Decomposing. . What is the biggest ant? .......... An elephant. . What is the last thing a Tickle Me Elmo doll gets at the factory? .......... Two test tickles. . What is three feet long? .......... A yard. . What kind of bird can write? .......... A penguin. . What kind of flowers grow in outer space? .......... Sunflowers. . What kind of music do ghosts listen to? .......... Sheet music. . What kind of necktie does a pig wear? .......... A pigsty. . What kind of shoes do lazy people wear? .......... Loafers. . What kind of shoes do snakes wear for swimming? .......... Water mocassins. . What kind of tree has hands? .......... A palm tree. . What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? .......... A nervous wreck. . What magazine do cats like to read? .......... Good Mousekeeping. . What makes a bowling alley so quiet? .......... You can hear a pin drop. . What time is it when the clock strikes 13? .......... Time to get the clock fixed. . What type of fish play poker? .......... Card sharks. . What would you get if you crossed a potato and a frog? .......... A potatoad. . What would you get if you put a light bulb in a suit of armor? .......... A knightlight. . What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? .......... The flue. . What's green and red and goes 1000 miles an hour? .......... A frog in a blender. . What's happening when you hear woof..........splat..........meow..........splat? .......... It's raining cats and dogs. . What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? .......... The taste. . What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? .......... Kids won't eat broccoli. . What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? .......... I don't know and I don't care. . What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? .......... Anyone can roast beef. . What's the saddest part of the day? .......... Mourning. . When do you need to oil a mouse? .......... When it squeaks. . Where did the vegetables go to get drunk? .......... The Salad Bar. . Where do otters come from? .......... Otter space. . Where do polar bears vote? .......... The North Poll. . Where do you find a no legged dog? .......... Right where you left him. . Where do you get virgin wool from? .......... Ugly sheep. . Where do young dogs sleep when they camp out? .......... In pup tents. . Where does a bird go when it loses its tail? .......... The retail store. . Where does a one-armed man shop? .......... At a second hand store. . Where does satisfaction come from? .......... A satisfactory. . Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? .......... Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!! . Which day of the week is the best for a dental appointment? .......... Toothday. . Which of these things don't belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck? .......... The tuna. The other two are crustaceans. . Which side of a dog has the most hair? .......... The out side. . Who delivers puppies when the Vet isn't available? .......... The mid woof. . Why are cowboy hats turned up at the sides? .......... So three cowboys can ride in a pickup truck. . Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? .......... They all have phones. . Why can't a woman ask her brother for help? .......... Because he can't be a brother and assist her too. . Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich? .......... Because the poor had no money. . Why did the bald man put a bunny on his head? .......... He wanted a full head of hare. . Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn't? .......... Because he was a little more on. . Why did the bunnies go on strike? .......... They wanted a raise in celery. . Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria? .......... He heard children were half price. . Why did the chicken cross the playground? .......... To get to the other slide. . Why did the chicken cross the road? .......... To prove to the opossum it could be done. . Why did the dinosaur cross the road? .......... Because there were no chickens in those times. . Why did the garbage look sad? .......... Because it was down in the dumps. . Why did the hubcap fall asleep? .......... Because it was tired. . Why did the Indian wear a wig? .......... To keep his wigwam. . Why did the man put wheels on his rocking chair? .......... He wanted to rock and roll. . Why did the pig cross the road? .......... Because he was a road hog. . Why did the turtle cross the road? .......... To get to the Shell station! . Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test? .......... To see if she was his type. . Why did Willie Nelson get hit by a car? .......... He was playing on the road again. . Why do bagpipers walk when they play? .......... They're trying to get away from the noise. . Why do bicycles fall over? .......... Because they are two-tired. . Why do birds fly south for the winter? .......... Because it's too far to walk. . Why do birds fly south for the winter? .......... It's quicker than driving. . Why do cows wear bells? .......... Because their horns don't work. . Why do elephants trumpet? .......... They don't know how to play the violin. . Why do gorillas have big nostrils? .......... Because they have big fingers. . Why does a turtle live in a shell? .......... Because it can't afford an apartment. . Why don't fish play tennis? .......... They might get caught in the net. . Why is a bell obedient? .......... It rings only when it is TOLLED! . How can you tell if there is an elephant in the fridge? .......... The door won't shut! . What does a caterpillar do on New Year's Day? .......... Turns over a new leaf! . What farm animal is a cannibal? .......... A Cow, it eats it's fodder! . Why wouldn't the dishwasher's gloves fit? .......... Because he had Dishpan Hands! . What do you call a crazy blackbird? .......... A raven lunatic! . What do you get if you cross a hippo and a blackbird? .......... Lots of broken telephone poles! . What do you call it when instead of raining cats and dogs, it rains chickens, ducks and turkeys? .......... Fowl Weather! . What is the difference between a prizefighter and a man with a cold? .......... One knows his blows, and the other blows his nose! . What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a spider? .......... A HAREnet! . What is the most popular wine at Christmas? .......... Can't we open the presents yet? . Why was Santa's little helper depressed? .......... Because he had low elf esteem. . What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? .......... Santa caught in a revolving door! . Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? .......... Because it SOOTS him! . If a pencil and a piece of paper had a race, which would win? .......... The pencil. (The paper would remain stationary) . What is a zebra? .......... 26 sizes larger than an A bra. . What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? .......... Sanka. . What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic? .......... Iceberg. . Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? .......... They all have phones. . Who was Snow White's brother? .......... Egg White. Get the yolk? . Did you hear that NASA has launched several Holsteins into low earth orbit? .......... It was the herd shot around the world. . Did you hear that Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein got together for a meeting last week to discuss their common problem? .......... They both have Kurds in their whey. . What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? .......... One baits his hook, while the other hates his book. . Do you know what the dreaded Amish flu is? .......... First you get a little hoarse and then you get a little buggy. . What is the difference between a photocopier and the whooping cough? .......... One makes facsimiles and the other makes sick families. . What is always behind time? (besides myself) .......... The back of a watch. . Where does all the pepper go? .......... No one nose. . Which animals failed to come to Noah's Ark in pairs? .......... Worms, they came in apples! . What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of bread at a time? .......... A four-loaf cleaver. . Why is someone who never gambles just as bad as a regular gambler? .......... Because he is no better! . Why is the letter A like a flower? .......... Because a Bee comes after it! . What do you call a bee born in May? .......... A Maybe. . Did you hear about the farmer who was found guilty of selling rotten fruit? .......... He was judged by his pears! . When should you use milk to irrigate your fields? .......... When you are growing creamed corn. . Where did King Tut go to ease his back pain? .......... The Cairo-practor! . What did the Scotsman do when he couldn't find a pair of pants? .......... He kilt himself. . What do you need to split an atom? .......... A fission License. . Why do hurricanes travel so fast? .......... If they traveled slowly, we would have to call them slow-i-canes . Reporter: Who would I blame if California fell into the Pacific Ocean? .......... Geologist: It would be San Andreas fault. . Samantha: Doctor, my son thinks that he is a TV channel changer. What are the odds that you can save him? .......... Doctor: Remote!! . A neutron goes into a barber shop and asks the barber, How much for a haircut? .......... The barber replies, For you, no charge. . Frankenstein: What is it like to be in a bottle for 5,000 years? .......... Genie: It's a JARRING experience. . Homeowner: My house is located in an earthquake zone. .......... Agent: Sorry, but I can't help you. I only sell no-fault insurance! . What did the sailor say when he saw a boat loaded with ewes? .......... Sheep ahoy! . Did you hear about the kid who traded his hotdog for a hamburger?? .......... He was participating in a SWAP MEAT!!!! . What did one worm say to another worm? .......... I know a restaurant where we can eat dirt cheap!! . Why are Bankers good bike riders?? .......... They are good at keeping their balance!! . Why wouldn’t the bike move very fast?? .......... It was too tired!! . What do termites do to relax? .......... Take a coffee table break!! . When a girl slips on the ice, why can’t her brother help her up? .......... Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too. . Who is Dracula’s favorite person on the baseball team? .......... The BAT boy! . Why do Vampire have to brush their teeth? .......... Because they have Bat-Breath. . What do you get if you cross a giant and a vampire? .......... A BIG pain in the neck! . What is a Mummy's favorite kind of music? .......... RAGtime music! or wRAP!!! . Why is an evil witch like a candle? .......... They are both WICKED . What weighs 909 kg (2,000 pounds for all of you inefficient, non-metric people) and is bare to the bone? .......... A skeleTON!!! . What do ghouls wear on their feet in the rain?!? .......... GHOULOSHES!!! . What geometric figure represents a lost parrot? .......... A polygon. . How can you have bread if you are on a liquid diet? .......... Drink a toast!! . How can you make a slow horse fast? .......... Stop feeding him!! . Why is a turkey more evil than a chicken? .......... Because a turkey is always a gobblin (a goblin) . Why do turkeys eat so little? .......... Because they are always stuffed! . Why do carpenters believe that there is no such thing as stone? .......... Because they never SAW it!! . Why do bees have sticky hair? .......... Because they use honeycombs!! . Why does Santa have 3 gardens? .......... So he can ho-ho-ho. . What do you get when a cat walks along a beach? .......... Sandy Claws!! . What do snowmen eat for breakfast? .......... Snowflakes. . Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? .......... He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. . What is every Amish woman's fantasy? .......... Two menanite. . What do you call a gnome with its head in a Fairies dress? .......... A goblin! . What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls? .......... Sparky! . What do you say to a man with five penises? .......... Your jeans fit like a glove. . What did the bartender say when a priest, a boyscout, and a blonde walked in? .......... Is this a joke? . Why was Oprah stopped at the airport? .......... She was getting arrested for carrying 300lbs of crack in her pants. . Why did Michael Jackson run to Wal-Mart? .......... Boys pants were half off. . Why does a dog lick himself? .......... Because he can't make a fist. . Why was Tigger sticking his head in the toilet? .......... He was looking for Pooh! . Why is Santa's sack so big? .......... He only comes once a year. . Did you here about the 80 lbs. man with the 40 lbs. testicles? .......... They say he was half nuts. . How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? .......... In a catalogue. . Why did the turtle cross the road? .......... To get to the Shell station. . What did Spock find in the Enterprise's toilet? .......... The Captain's log. . What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? .......... A pouch potato. . What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common? .......... They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with. . What is more fun that stapeling babies to a wall? .......... Ripping them off. . What did Ike say to Tina when she came in late with two black eyes? .......... Nothing, he already told her twice. . What would be the difference between a dead rabbit on the side of the road and Brittney Spears dead on the road? .......... There would be skid marks in front of the rabbit. . Why didn't Hannibal Lecter eat Brittany Spears? .......... He doesn't like artificial toppings. . Whats another name for a push-up bra? .......... False advertisement. . Why don't the members of Al Qaeda go out to bars? .......... Because they can get bombed at home. . What's the difference between a dead possum in the road and a dead member of the Backstreet Boys? .......... There are skid marks in front of the possum. . How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator? .......... Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie. . How is a computer like Britney Spears? .......... They're both cheap, white, and plastic. . If children in the back of the car cause accidents, what do accidents in the back of the car cause? .......... Children. . What is the difference between a dog and a fox? .......... About five drinks. . Have you heard about the new Barbie doll? .......... It's called Divorce Barbie. It comes with all Ken's stuff. . Why do women pass less gas than men? .......... Because women don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure! . What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? .......... They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons. . What's black and white, black and brown, and black and black? .......... A nun roasting on a spit! . What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? .......... One less drunk. . Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer? .......... It has two bytes and no memory. . How can you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? .......... Terrorists can be negotiated with. . What's the difference between men and beer? .......... When you're done with the beer it's still worth 5 cents. . How do you make a baby drink? .......... Stick it in the blender. . What did one undertaker say to the other? .......... Pass me another cold one! . What county in Ireland hates South Park? .......... Killkenny. .